Steven Wright is flipping hilarious. I like to think we're a lot of like. But not in our sense of humor.
Here are some cross country appropriate quotables.
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked
up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really
into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had
our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
speeding tickets.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you
can go."
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
questions."
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came
back the entire area was missing.
And from before: When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
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